Monday, July 20, 2009

A disregard for grammar and "feelings"



Dear Insomnia,
You first struck in High school and I thought you were a passing phase, like marvel cards, or acne. But alas, I am 24 and still you plague my nights. Back then, there was nothing substantial to wake up for, PSATs -what a joke.. But now that I am an adult, I have to be awake for most of the stuff I do during the day. At least, in high school I had late night TV to rely on to get me through those strange hours. Shows like Good Times, Elimidate, or that other dating show starring Rodger Lodge... those programs put me at ease. I no longer have TV and Rodger Lodge is probably in jail.

Dear French Language,
I am happy to know you, because today I overheard an exchange between some Parisian tourists. Had I not understood them I would have kept walking around with my skirt tucked into my undies.

Dear Freddy Krueger,
You were most likely the cure to my insomnia. At least if I fell asleep something interesting would happen. Not like before, where in the dream my 2nd grade science teacher would be teaching, but it wasn't really him, but I like, knew it was him... and we were in my uncle's boat.

Dear 7' Christmas Tree,
It was my grandfather that insisted on having you each year for Christmas. I was always afraid you would rip free from the twine that erected you and crush Santa as he lay out our gifts.

Dear Zodiac Peddlers,
How come you always now my sign? You don't follow an exact science. Honestly, I find it hard to fully respect your hobby, but I'll be damned if I'm not nurturing and moody.. very perplexed by this.

Dear Mom,
According to the "Disney World Chores Chart," you owe me 1 big ass Walt Disney World vacation extravaganza with mother fuckin' interest!

Dear Camp Wahoo,
As far as church camps go, you were a blast! I loved those little religion songs, and the bible skits (so funny!), That zip line was rad. No surprise my cabin always got the Sweepy Bird plaque for tidiest cabin.

Dear Williamsburg,
When you ask for "Coffee" do not expect it to automatically come iced.

Dear Cast of "The Hills,"
Something about your vapidity keeps me enraptured with your goings on. Keep doing whatever it is you think you are "doing" (but looks to us like nothing). Keep going out to eat around Hollywood.

Dear Happy Couple,
I'm not one of those people who gets mad at you for showing your affection. I just don't like people, and when two combine it really gets my goat!

Dear see-through tank top,
I knew I had no bra at home when I purchased you. You are the new clothes, to my emperor.

Dear Patrick McGoohan,
That was one kick-ass island.

Dear Sports Bar Job,
You were just awful. But hey, who says "NO" to unlimited soda, chips, fries, and ass slaps??

Dear Micro-Manager,
If my attitude has led you to believe that I like the way you hover over me while I work, maybe I'm not expressing it right. Any tips?

Dear Rosa: Age 8,
Hanging out in graveyards isn't creepy at all! Going on adventures to abandoned houses isn't dangerous at all! Burning down your grandma's bathroom isn't a red flag at all!

Dear Residents of Apt 2R in my Last Building,
If there was an event in the olympics for domestic violence, you would be gold medalists!

Dear Final Destination,
cc: Fast and Furious
No matter what anyone says, you are not a sad excuse for a second attempt at a sad excuse for a movie.

Dear Very First Shitty Job,
That would be the first of 15 times a grandparent would get "terminally ill, and need me by her side."

Dear Home-Haircut,
You are all spicy and new today... and all Edward Scissorhands tomorrow.

Dear Burt and Ernie,
What's the rent where you live?

Dear Dunkin Donut Walk-up Window Dude,
The day I want 6 donuts for 3 dollars, is the same day I punch myself in the face 6 times and punch you and two co-workers in the face. I'm sorry to get harsh on you... But you are so agressive! Despite the "deal" at hand, it is NOT in my best interest to exceed my daily intake of calories on donuts.

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