I finally understand your thing with red wine. I too have a few glasses before bed nowadays. I didn't even need to have two kids and raise them alone. What can I say, I guess I'm advanced. You think now I'll understand your thing for always being late? I hope so!
Remember when we used to chase each other around, and I would throw a chair behind me while you would be charging at me at top speed? You really got hurt a couple times! Serves you right, I'd do it again.
Has anyone ever told you that you bear quite the resemblance to one Roseanne Barr?
It might work in your favor, I'd play it up. Perhaps you should purchase a chicken/egg tee shirt off of eBay?
Dear Former employer,
Let's be honest, you knew I was a bullshitter. And I know you are better off without me! I genuinely thought my job requirements were to complain and eat croissants. By the way- really awesome croissants! Just the perfect amount of flaky and buttery, yum! Ps: did I leave my sunglasses there?
Dear Mrs. Lowery,
You taught English at my elementary school. I know, you know that I know, you know I gave the same book report on Clara Barton 4 times.
1. I'm sorry, that must have been painful
2. You lazy!
3. How come I got the "Best Report Button" on the third go around?
4. I always wanted to know... were you like the "hot teacher" among all the teachers?
Dear 11 year old Rosa,
I am proud of your fascination with "Beetleborgs"
Dear 12 year old Rosa,
Way to go with those childhood scams! You li'l entrepreneur!
So like, are you here to say? or... what?
Dear Puerto Rican guy outside my window,
Although I enjoy you 'hollerin'' at me whenever I leave my apartment, IT IS 1:52 AM and I am NOT in the mood to hear your A Capella rendition of "Blame it on the Alcohol" -whether it be the theme song for your inception, or not. By the way, do you like Scarface?
Please refill me with negative ions.
Dear L train,
Thank you for braking down, you gave me an excuse to kiss a boy. Your shuttle alternative is much more reliable. You were put here to destroy my patience.
Dear weird rash on my knee,
It is apparent to me now, that you have no intention of clearing up. I will take the advice of many and get you "looked at" and perhaps put some cream on you. You fucking win. It was a good, long, ignorant stance I put up... At least give me that.
Dear former roomates from 2006,
How do I put this delicately? See ya; wouldn't want to be ya. Oh yea, and if you find my chocolate box time capsule, I want my swim team medallion!
You're alright man, you're alright. Like a machine you are very precise.
I thought of you the other day while listening to Sonic Youth. I was remembering the time when I snuck out of the house, you caught me, then made me give you my Thousand Leaves poster in exchange for your secrecy. I gave it to you, and you told mom anyway, aha! Do not be surprised, one day I will have my revenge. This is one window of blackmail and deceit from which you can not sneak out.
Dear date last Thursday,
Pretty good. Pretty, pretty, good.. Although duck is a little too duck- y for me. And I am not a liar. And I do have a job.
Thank you for giving me the gift of joke making. Also thanks for the height thing, I never wanted to be taken seriously anyway.
I love everything about you that hurts.
You are a useful tool for connecting me with people from the third grade that I had little in common with, and still have very little in common with.
Dear Greenbelt, MD,
I love re-visiting you and seeing how pregnant you are!
Dear Kelly Bundy,
Your style has resurfaced, it lives in Brooklyn.