Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Goners, Boners, and Honers.




Dear Great Aunt Marion,
Because you insisted that we only watch the Nostalgia Channel, I developed an unnaturally strong crush on Barnaby Jones. I just thought you should know we were gunning for the same man.

ps: You're both dead. Touche. Checkmate.

Dear Time,
I can't wait til I get old, so I finally have excuses for being me. I can blame my obnoxiousness -on seniority, my uncontrollable bladder -on body failure, my dwarfism -on shrinkage, the laziness -on joint pain, the pills -on a plethora of ailments, and the social mistakes -on dementia.

Dear Trashy Lady,
Maybe if you took all that ignorance out of your mouth, you'd find room to throw in a few teeth.

Dear Boss,
Thanks for waiting the appropriate amount of time before calling me "Short Stuff."

Dear Trashy Lady,
On second thought, I take it back. Installing teeth into your mouth would not be a wise business investment.

Dear Homeless dude,
You straight up took a dump on the street, which is no surprise. But you wiped... which threw me off.

Dear Mom,
I might be too old for osh osh b'gosh. And BTW, I am pretty sure I wont "grow into them" this time.

Dear Mamita,
When I was going through puberty you told me not to scratch my budding breasts. You said that if they itched, that meant they were growing. Well, lets see some results, I did my part. Ans I love a good scratch... sacrifices have been made!

Dear Eleanor Roosevelt High School,
You had 3500 students and no windows. Now I have 3500 insecurities and I live in a windowless bedroom. Foreshadowing! Or maybe not, I don't know, the only thing I learned in high school was how to not get my sneakers stolen. (The secret is: to wear embroidered clogs.)

Dear Jay Z,
You know what? You should rap a song about New York. I feel like that's an untapped resource. I figure maybe you know a lot about New York, so share some insight. Like, I have no idea about boroughs, I wish someone would just list them and talk about them in great detail. Maybe you could mention other rappers, especially if they are New York based, or just passed through, or maybe if they have beef with New York. Speaking of other rappers, maybe you could mention some of your colleagues in your raps, perhaps where they are from? You could talk about rituals, for instance: lighters, and how to put them in the air. And what about dreams? I feel like people come to New York to realize their dreams...

Dear Laundry Lady,
I was under the impression you had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Dear Morning Train Zombies,
You're not going to Auschwitz, perk the fuck up. If subway morale gets any lower I will be forced to do my commuter stand up.

Dear Loneliness,
You're nothing a little string cheese can't handle.

Dear Dashboard Confessional,
What the fuck kind of voodoo, do you do, that makes you powerful enough to implant the words to every one of your songs into my fucking brain? I try to retain information all the time, and cannot. But alas, the words to "Screaming Infidelities" are ready to go, at all times. Chris Carraba, you witch... you fucking sorcerer.

Dear "Shayz Lounge"
You may be just some cheeky little bar in my hood with a horrible name, but goddamit- I love writing at you, drinking hot toddys, instead of writing at starbucks, drinking ghetto-ass-attitude-coffee.

Dear Guy I "Offended" Last Night,
Well? Are you?

Dear Guy I Went On A Date With,
Protocol for noticing that my nipple is visible? TELL ME DURING BRUNCH, NOT THE NEXT DAY.

Dear Guy Who Flashed Me,
I guess we all come to New York to follow our dreams, and if yours is to be noticed, well, I guess I could be considered a hypocrite if I smite you.

Dear Mickey D's,
Yo for real, if I fall off the wagon just a tiny bit harder, I'm coming for you, I SWEAR TO GOD a big mac is in my future.

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