Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Love Shlongs



Dear Facebook,
Thanks. Now every insignificant douche bag from my past can "reconnect" with me. Oh look! That guy I refused a BJ in high school wants to be my friend. Ignore... you totally blew it.

Dear Former Boyfriend Characters,
Just because you murmur, "I was gonna bring this up too" doesn't make this break up "mutual."

Dear The Word Mutual,
I hate you for being one half of the phrase "Mutually Exclusive." Everybody says it, nobody can explain it.

Dear G Train,
You come more infrequently than a faithful house wife.

Dear Curiosity Shoppe,
I wish you never went bankrupt. You were my first job, and I cherished you, even if my boss was a drug addict whose meth addiction was only succeeded by her Subway subs addiction.

Dear Friends,
Don't say "I should heat up the rest of that (blank) I made yesterday" if you don't have enough to share, and if I can run faster than you.

Dear Mac Users,
If you're so happy with your "superior product" then why are you the ones who initiate the PC/Mac conversation? "Well my mac-book pro is blah blah blah" Yeah I get it, it costs more, great. Now why don't you go save a file and try to find it.

Dear Owl City,
I can't be tough enough to not listen. It's like Dashboard Confessional all over again. And you know what? I don't wanna fight it.

Dear Loneliness,
I'll say this, at least that Netflix subscription is getting some mileage.

Dear New Years Eve,
You are the coolest holiday on the block. If you were a person, you'd wear Ray Ban shades all the time, grease the host at every restaurant, wear a suit on Sunday, and say things like "Outa Sight" and "Hello Dollface." You were so good to me this year, such a gentleman.

Dear Reader,
Did you know that on New Years Eve, 60% of the people standing in Times Square are wearing diapers? Apparently once you get into the crowd, its too tough to get out, use the bathroom, and weave back in. So if you have to tinkle/poo poo, you're out of luck... UNLESS, you completely debase yourself by throwing on some Depends so you can soil yourself amongst others who are, yep, also soiling themselves. 5,4,PEE,DEUCE,1 HAPPY POO YEAR!

Dear Meat,
After much debate, I have decided to say goodbye. On the one hand you're riddled with pesticides and carcinogens. You cost more, you cause heart disease, you're the reason animals die, you're fattening, and dirty. On the other hand... dude, bacon.

Dear Veggies,
I just want you to know, you'll never be what meat was to me. That being said I'll give this union what I've got, but no promises.

Dear Hair,
Please grow so I don't have to endure the Aubrey Plaza look-a-like contest anymore.

Dear Savage Garden,
Owl City covered Truly, Madly, Deeply, and renamed it Vanilla Twilight. This version also has me crying on the floor, framed picture of Joshua Jackson clenched to my chest. The county fair where I won this picture no longer comes around, but my feelings remain. Joshua.

Dear Edward Furlong,
The previous message would've been address to you, but you got all bloated from doing drugs with Natasha Lyonne. You got un-cute dude. Jimmy and Judy was disturbing, there's no way I'd cry over you to Savage City (Savage Garden/Owl City mash up).

Dear Less Than Jake,
I just realized I've seen you live more than any other musical act.

Dear Ikea,
I know we've been at odds for a year... but I forgive you. You offer a cheap yet delicious breakfast. And when I'm there, eating your savory Swedish meatballs, I look around and I notice how happy you make the elderly crowd. You have given them a place of there own to brunch (sans drunk 20-somethings). They are so cute with their dressed up clothes and their make-up and their spouses of like 60 years. Old people rule. I get a free (somewhat skewed) history lesson every time have breakfast at the Ikea Cafe. And oh the NAPS! So many nice post-breakfast naps I've had at Ikea.

Dear Reader,
Donna Lewis is not the same as Jenny Lewis. If you want me to put it into context: Donna Lewis was who I listened to when I was in 4th grade and I spent the better part of my Saturdays skipping around Claire's accessory store and pining over Keolu Fox (swoon). Jenny Lewis is that cute little red-head that introduced me to the "girl crush."(swoon)

Dear Rosa,
Falling in love will never be as easy as getting a cup of coffee, so you'll probably never look into it.

Dear Boys,
I only say I'll never fall in love because that is what I want the most. Like in the Lewis Lewis songs (Donna Lewis/Jenny Lewis mash up).

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