Saturday, December 12, 2009

Stress Prince

Dear Guy,
Don't look at me like I'm the dick. If you don't remember, YOU'RE the one who said I have "hamster hands," then spent the next 10 minutes back tracking. "Oh, c'mon Hamsters have extra grippies in their palms." Wow.

Dear Mom,
Seasonal Affective Disorder is seasonal. That means, it's here, then it goes away. Cyclical.

Dear Vikings,
Right on.

Dear Fat Dudes,
You hit on me like I'm a Christmas ham and shit. And that's what I like.

Dear New Boyfriend Character,
Let's just say you signed up for a Double Dare obstacle course that NEVER. ENDS.

Dear Party Guests,
Sorry about last night, and sorry about that mass apology text. I just thought I could hit two birds with one stone.. just like how I destroyed that flat screen/Jenny's face in the name of a joyous cartwheel. What can I say? Don't play that Black Eyed Peas song.

Dear Rudelington Roomate,
No I will not be eating that apple pie. No, you may not "have some." That apple pie, will sit in the fridge until it turns so many colors it puts ROYGBIV to shame. Now how do you feel about the "putting our names on shit" rule you implemented? What are we in pre-school? Do I look like I have a fucking cubby?

Dear Single Friends,
Stop telling me how lonely you are, or I'll argue with you over something meaningless for hours, storm out, then call 50 or 60 times, come back, cry with you, have meaningful eye-locked sex, tell you how much I missed you, get offended when you say "it's only been a few hours," pick a fight with you, cry, go into the other room and marinate in anger, cry...

Dear Wikipedia,
Wiki this!, mother fucker.

Dear Nostalgia,
You give people an excuse to make their new friends feel left out. Thanks.

Dear Halloween,
Next year I'm going as Hot Gollum.

Dear Chicks,
That's the lil dude from LOTR

Dear Chicks,
Lord Of The Rings.

Dear Micah,
It's Album, not "Alvum."

Dear Queen Latifah,
After years of investigation, I finally know what you did with "Da Brat." You ate that bitch. Guess who no longer "rocks ruff and tuff with her afro puffs?" Da Brat.

Dear Queen Latifah,
"U.N.I.T.Y" reminds me to drink Cranberry juice, but also Pavlovianly ignites a flame in my tract. (Had to let you know)

Dear Aunt Viv #1,
I stayed loyal for as long as I could.

Dear Public,
Check out my sex tape. It's me having boring monogamous sex with the same man I've been having boring monogamous sex with for quite some time. Check out the Spesh. Feats. and learn how to always stay on the bottom!

Dear The Word "Power,"
Power suit, power bottom, power ranger, power hour, power nap. Alright!

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