Thursday, December 24, 2009


Dear Santa,
I considered making a list, sure, unfortunately I never got around to it. Get off my back. I have a tight schedule. Can I risk derailing productivity to make a juvenile wishlist? No. Besides, you’re the one with powers, why don’t you guess what I want. I’m 24 years old, you’ve been at it for over two decades, you must have an inkling of what I want by now. How about this, give me like 4 more hours on every day, then maybe I’ll be able to harness the time and energy to get to your fucking list, and making your goddamn cookies, JESUS CHRIST SANTA. I’M ONLY

Dear Santa,
I want a month long metro card. Or a more lucrative career.

Dear Santa,

I want you to want me. I need to you need me. I’d love you to love me. I’m begging you, to beg me.

Dear Santa,

So wait, you’re like, Jesus or something? No you’re like.. a saint.. that.. eats toys??

Dear Santa,

I dreamt that you were making the rounds, dropping off toys, doing your thing. But then you had to make a pee stop. So you parked your sleigh atop a gas station, but they wouldn’t give you the bathroom key, so you had to hold it. You took off, but then you were like “Nah, that’s naughty, I’m gonna give that attendant some coal, o’ naturale. So you flew back and dropped a jolly ol’ deuce on his register. Then, as you flew into the wintery sky, you bellowed “Merry Christmas to balls, and to balls a good night.”

Dear Santa,

I’m sure there’s some angry mom group in suburban America that holds you responsible for childhood obesity.

Dear Jewish Friends Who Aren't Familiar With the 8 Reindeer Who Haul Santa's Fat Ass Around from House to House On Christmas Eve,

Dasher: A fine cook.

Dancer and Prancer: British.

Vixen: Maxim magazine hopeful.

Comet: Named after the Fullhouse dog.


Donner: survivalist.

Blitzen: Deadhead.

Rudolph: Millhouse in reindeer form.

Dear Santa,

Who do you think does you best?

A. Tim Allen

B. Billy Bob Thorton

C. All of the above

Dear John Frankenheimer,

Maybe you should have just made a happy Christmas movie about Reindeers playing games, like Risk, or Scrabble, you know like for real. Ben Afflelck is perfect to star as Rudolph, since no respectable director wants him to join in on their cast.

PS: Someone shoulda knocked some Frankinsense into you. John "No FrankenSENSE" Frankenheimer. I'll heckle a dead man.

Dear Jimmy Fallon,

Merry Christmas, this year I bought you a personality.

Dear Santa,

I sent you my resume over a decade ago and I still haven’t heard back about the apprenticeship. I am hardworking, punctual, and my biggest flaw is that I work too hard. So, I guess what I want from you this year is… a chance.

Dear Santa,

Are you aware of how judgmental you are? "Oh, you're naughty, oh but you, you're nice." HO, HO, WHO the fuck are you? Pretty big talk from someone who encourages the use of carbon dioxide-emitting fossil fuels. In summation, you had a hand in the murder of one Mother Earth. Thus, I wouldn't elect you as the authority on whether my behavior is satisfactory enough to receive toys.

Dear Bill Murray,

Scrooged is a slam dunk.

Dear Grandma,

This year we won’t be spending Christmas together, so I’m chain smoking Doral 100s around the clock, in your honor. I wish you were here in Maryland. Here to hand me the ten dollars I look forward to every year.

Dear Mom,

“Totes” –No longer an acceptable gift. Step up your game.

Dear Reader,

Totes: A no-slip sock with grippies on the bottom; A gift I received for as long as I can remember; A joke that has run its course.

Dear Mom,

You have kids, you had to pretend to be Santa, I get that. What I don't get, is why this prompted you to stop waxing your facial hair. No excuse.

Dear Daddy,

When wrapping a gift with such a recognizable shape. Put said gift in a box first, commence wrapping. This year I want to be surprised when I get a NOTHING.

Dear Victor,

Stop signing the Christmas cards like this: “Your brother, Victor Salazar,” “Your son, Victor Salazar,” “Your Redskins fan, Victor Salazar,” “Your dancing queen, Victor Salazar.” I know who you are, okay?!

Dear Santa,

Your portrayal of Gimli in LOTR was tour de force.

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