Sunday, January 24, 2010
Dear Next Door Margie,
Look, I love impromptu conversations about houseplants as much as the next gal, but you can't just pop out of your apartment like that. I nearly lost my shit last time you cornered. Don't bumrush me Margie! I bring up your mail isn't that enough?
I can handle it when you call underwear "wanties," but I can't handle it when you call him my "dad."
I have your eleventh edition paperback dictionary. On the back cover, you urge readers to "take charge of today's language, with words like identity theft, webcam, outsource." What a grim, and slightly creepy, choice of words. You didn't have to choose these words to represent what's up-to-date about the world. In fact you have another "2,000 new words" you could have chosen. When did you get so edgy?
Dear John Carpenter,
Today I thought, "I'm going to get my act together! I'm going to be productive!" Then I thought "Haha good one Rosa! You win again Big Trouble in Little China."
Dear G train Shuttle Bus,
I finished a crossword, had a full-length conversation with my mom, painted my nails, updated all of my social networking sites, ate a sandwich, made a friend, gave him a bight of my sandwich, tried a new variation on tying my shoe laces, became religious, brushed up on current tragedies, practiced my french, practiced my Jack Nicholson, and took a nap before you decided to grace us with your presence. Thanks for showing me what it was like to be schizophrenic and homeless.
Dear Dog Park Dog Owners,
No, I don't care what "May-Belle" eats, I don't care how "Thunder" feels about the vacuum, and I most certainly could care less about "Cheema" and her "spraying."
Dear New Yorkers,
You can't bully the weather. You think January cares if you where you tank top in protest? Nah. It doesn't. It's January, and it doesn't have a stance on global warming.
Dear Late Night Fans Without A TV,
Synopsis: Leno vs Conan, Letterman vs Leno, Kimmel vs Leno, Leno vs NBC, Conan vs NBC, Daly vs Autism.
Thanks for helping me buy "groceries." I had so much fun with the "groceries" I bought, I think I'm going to need more "groceries" soon. Like tomorrow, or maybe tonight. I really need some "groceries." Please. You know I'm good for some "groceries."
You are great to have around, I love you my pup! Besides cuddling with you is slightly less hairy than cuddling with him. Plus, you don't scratch as hard.
Your kid is running up and down the platform, with one shoe, there's a train coming, and you get mad at me for picking her up? That's fair, totally fair, I guess, I mean I am the fucking blonde from The Hand That Rocks the Cradle.
Dear Smokey the Bear,
Only YOU can stay the fuck out of my camping trip.
The only thing worse than seeing Avatar, was seeing the look on your face when I dumped you for taking me to see Avatar. The only thing worse than seeing you look so sad, is having to see Avatar again with a guy I liked enough to endure the pain.
Dear Japanese Movie "Hauzu,"
Sorry, I don't think they hand out Oscars for "Best Loud Neon Sounds"
Jurassic Park is a fine film, so stop laughing at my t-shirt. I'm serious, it hurt my feelings back then, and hurts my feelings now.
Get laid! Get a job! No more eating peanut butter from the jar! Moisturize!
Dear Late Night Fans,
...George Lopez vs His tan.
Dear Boyfriend Character,
I like you, I really do. So as soon as you find a place that provides shock therapy, we can totally do this thing, you and me.
"Bidi Bidi Bang Bang"
Dear Whoopi Goldberg,
You fascinate me. I've never seen a sex change in slow motion before.
Here are some ideas for you memoir's title:
"Zits, Tits and Hissy Fits" by Rosa Salazar
"Yea... OK" by Rosa Salazar
"Shmarry Shmotter and the Shmoblet of Shmire" by Rosa Salazar
"Li'l RoRo" by Sapphire