Sunday, February 14, 2010

See Medieval Hear Medieval Speak Medieval

Dear Chaucer,
Thanks for helping me continue my trend of blaming yesteryear figures for my modern day problems.

Dear Rite Aid,
It IS too soon to start putting out Thanksgiving day shit. Although I do like buying Easter shit at an extreme discount. Candles are always good, no matter what they represent.

Dear Wikipedia,
Thank you for highlighting the important nouns throughout information write-ups. I scroll down down a lot, and very rarely do I understand what to digest. Because of you, I now know that Love has something to do with: Affection, Oneness, Chemistry, Image, Lust, Hate, The Middle Ages. That's really all I need.

Dear Mom,
You can keep calling me your "Li'l Valentine" But we all know I'll still cry.

Dear New Boyfriend Character,
No, no, no! I'd love to lay in bed all day staring at you and ignoring the outside world. Sure! I'd love to take another nap!, OF COURSE! Let's eat again, I don't have anywhere to be at the moment and I wont have anywhere to be ever again, because I LOVE YOU AND THIS IS GOING TO WORK.

Dear Mom,
Gchat is not a medium for "quickie emails."

Dear WWE,
I am not retarded, and I still enjoy a good folding chair to the head.

Dear Price Is Right,
I may never experience the same level of enthusiasm as your contestants when I drive off the lot, in my NEW CAR!

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Character,
Think of it this way, now you only have to clean your room so that your door opens enough for one body to squeeze through.

Dear White Trash Community,
I love how you list your tattoos and piercings like credentials. I learned from you, that the only effective way to push down a pulled pork sandwich and fries is with 4 glasses of Pepsi. Hey let's go muddin' later! Can I get a drag of that jack?

Dear Date Rapist,
Really? You're going to have an Raspberrytini too? Really? You want what I'm having? okay. Just know I am too lazy to take this impractical cocktail glass to the bathroom, and that you didn't pull a fast one.

Dear OTB,
During those nicer days, you prop your door open. I think it's great those last hopes and dreams can finally blow out with breeze.

Dear Movers,
Sure have a seat on my bed, cause that wont turn me on. You act like the $500 I just dropped didn't already make me want you. What can I say? You can take the girl out of the desperate, but not the desperate out of the girl.

Dear Bushwick Brooklyn,
I live in Greenpoint/Williamsburg now and it's alright. But I miss you. I miss walking super fast after 5pm, and the constant bass, and jingling my keys to frighten the swarming rats, and Pumps- the seedy titty bar, and the racism, and the sadness, and the darkness, and the tears... everyone needs a good cry... it's really the fuckin' little things man. Don't worry I'll still come back for tacos. Damn fine tacos.

Dear Scorsese and DiCaprio,
Just make out already. Jesus Christ.

Dear Summer,
You are right around the corner. Can't wait to shed these layers. Can't wait to look 18 instead of 13.


-G said...

First post!

I have always wanted to say that. Sometimes, when you are internet famous, people say "who the fuck is Rosa Salazar(?)", and then they google it, and then they find a blog, and then they wonder why nobody else seems to be reading it, and then you(me)wonder if that means you(grant) are some kinda weirdy.

So what's the difference between a me and a date rapist? A fruitini. And rape. And that mustache. And cologne. I never wear that shit.

-G said...

Oh and also, this(sargasm) is funny, smart, and in general, wholesomely good. Like whiskey. I have laughed out loud(ed) at least 6 times so far.

Sargasm said...

Thanks Grant!!!