Saturday, April 3, 2010

Ghostown With The Mostown



Dear Party Guests,
Leave if you have mentioned -even once- that the Avocado pits keep guacamole from turning brown. Punch yourself in the face -before you leave- if you referred to the dip as "GUAC."

Dear Birthday Girl,
You don't have to say "IT'S MAH FUCKING BIRTHDAY" every five seconds. I did not develop short term memory loss on the way over to this thing. However (silver lining) you look identical to every other "betch" in this joint... So thanks, now I know I won't be mistaken when I pummel you with "birthday licks."

Dear Gay Community,
Why can't the heteros adopt your talent for naming bars? i.e. "Pieces." Love it.

Dear Coachella,
I couldn't be there this year. I never thought I'd visit a music festival, so far my predictions are in tune. I don't like sticky. Or Bud Light. Or getting molested by a Gorillaz fan in a Built By Wendy tee shirt. I passed, on this year's getting stuck in a colossal, sweaty, human membrane
/blob. I passed on the bags upon bags of patches, glow lights, and stickers. I am not 7, I no longer have an affinity for stickers.

Dear John Travolta,
In the year 2012 the world, as we know it, will end...as predicted by the Mayans. You will bloat into a rotund shape the likes of Violet Beauregarde. One unfortunate day you will run into a thicket. When pricked, the planet will flood with your bloat fluid...as predicted by me. As indicated by your compact largess.

Dear Viewers,
John Travolta stars in the new motion picture "Bug Out Bob."

Dear Dog Camp,
Do I look like I have time for you to whisper your farewells in my dog's ear? That's a dog. A dog. It don't know you.

Dear Memphis,
Get some, uh, PEOPLE.

Dear Homeless,
Move to Hawaii, and your predicament instantly goes from dying on the streets, to 24/7 Hakuna Matata. What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata, Ain't no passin' craze. It means no worries, for the rest of your days. It's our problem free, philosophy. Hakuna Matata.

Dear Salvia & Hot Pockets,
Both take two minutes. Both make regret.

Dear 2R,
When I asked to use your internet key, you said "no." Your reasoning: "I don't want the whole neighborhood in on this, but you're welcome to come on in and use my comp." My reason to decline: Okay, so you're saying you don't like to share, but the herpes on your mouth beg to differ. Context clues from your network name (BlastinBeef2R) suggest your network key isn't inspired by a Shakespearean sonnet.

Dear 3L,
No its fine, I love Irish clog dancing. I love it.

Dear Ex Boyfriend Character,
I feel like Stella trying to get her groove back. Only I'm Rosa trying to get my pin collection back. That Seattle pin is a rare gem. Rare gem.

Dear Delta,
Obviously I would rather you take my face wash rather than arrest me. Obviously.

Dear Rosa,
Creativity is not a hooker you can call up at any hour and expect satisfaction. Creativity is the hooker that you finally run over with your car.

Dear Tracy and Whoopi,
TWINS. Fraternal. And by "fraternal" I mean you are brothers.

Dear Obscure Positive Rap Group Name Inquirer,
Do I look like I'm wearing flannel and leather? Do I don the bandanna of a rap poet? Do you see a volunteer name tag?

Tracy Chapman,
Re: Turn right back around. So did you?

Dear Ace of Base,
Do you feel Mrs. Chapman borrowed too generously from your smash hit "Don't Turn Around?" Maybe this was a call and response sorta thing?

Dear Feminists,
Woman. Womyn. Women. Womyn. What's the difference when that's not how men see you?

Dear New Mom,
Yes, your son's fart is very, very amusing. So cute. Man! that little one is so cute. You know I was just telling someone else at the cafe on the corner, how cute my friend's son Tyler is. Tyler is why I get up in the morning. Tyler. TYLER. YOUR SON TYLER AT THE COFFEE SHOP TO STRANGERS GET UP IN THE MORNING.

Dear Dad,
Hey thanks for packing those books. I love to read when I'm traveling. Fortunately, I got to read half of Lenin For Beginners, and finished the Marxist lit before I hit security check. Now that I'm in jail I can finally get to Trotsky.

Dear Boring Long-term Relationship,
Hey, at least I got out of this thing with my love of Cheers still intact.

Dear Girl-pal,
Yo, don't ask me if you need to shave your legs. He said he's "taken." Of course shave them legs, girl. You don't want him getting bored of you like he got bored of his old lady.

Dear LA,
I drove around for hours and hours and couldn't find you. I got stuck in a large Sears parking lot and couldn't seem to find my way out. Luckily I mapped route home using only billboards and Jesus impersonators. Heavens to Betsy you are hard to fall in love with.


3 comments:

-G said...

Why? Because running over hookers is no fun if the police never try to figure it out. That's also why after you run them over, you can't help but giggle to yourself and say "Rosa Salazar was here. Bitch."

Because, murder without intention is just a "diary" or a "journal" or a "captain's log," but not the kind that is an established narrative element... like we can't figure shit out without a narrator. Please.

Anyways, I am going to keep reading you because 1) I admire your work/choice of weapon, and 2) So that you don't ever think to yourself "Eeeh... what's another dead hooker. Am I just doing this for me?" No. I am the mutha' fuckin' brass.

-G said...

Dear RS

Every time I see/buy Mostacolli (pasta), I always say to myself "the ghostacolli with the mostacolli..."

I think this might have something to do with Gorillaz, but I figured that you would know/understand. What's this from again?

-Mysteriously Mosted
gj

Lou said...

I'm just here to say that you are beautiful. I mean... I knew CollegeHumour, but I never really was a maniac of it. Yesterday I saw that "Inception" parody video and was like "Damn, who's that girl?". Then I've stalked a bit, watched some other stuff with you and like I said - you are beautiful (and those CH vids are hilarious too). Plus, you seem interesting overall... well, funny for sure.

Simple as that, I'm kinda realist so I know we'll never meet, I just want you to know that I want my "Girl of Life" (if I ever meet her) to be at least similar to you :) And I'm kinda demanding on girls so, you know... you're kinda special... in my eyes at least.

It's just first impressions and all, I know, but still, you seem great.

That's all, I just wanted to say it, I won't bother you no more.

Ow, and I post here cause I know I'm kinda dramatic, bad business. It won't bring much attention here and you can easly delete it.

Keep it up, so long,
Lou