Saturday, May 8, 2010

Up In The Ire

Dear Helpful New Yorker,
Let's make sure we speak the same language first, ya?

Dear Helpful New Yorker,
When I say "I know where I am going" I guess that means I want you to help find where I'm going. If it's anything like your ability to pick up on human energy, sure, I trust your sense of directions.

Dear Rosa,
If you're home in the middle of the day, writing something, drinking homemade ice coffee, ripping the new Grizzly Bear album, you are right where to need to be in life. Brooklyn.

Dear Ma,
Oh my goodness! This Purina Dog Chow dog DOES look exactly like my dog! I mean, the resemblance is uncanny. This dog looks identical to my noticed..clipped it out..mailed it on up to I could also see the resemblence. And will you look at that!..Doppelganger! Gee-wiz!

Dear Ma,
Please do not take my last note as anything other than these three things:
1. My plea for similar dog clippings.
2. My look-forwardedness to mail.
3. Gratitude.

Dear Puetro Rican "Mami" From Earlier Today,
If we pass each other on the street, and we both have "dat ass," the appropriate protocol is to exchange a nod of recognition à la Jeep owners, or homies, or people with underbites.

Dear Broker,
"Titties" is not an acceptable answer to: "How much is the broker's fee?"

Dear Redneck Picnic Members Of The South,
I had a swell time. Nothing like flies all over round Confederate children, as opposed to bony African children.

Dear Guy With This Obnoxious Phrase,
"I'm just clownin'" is a phrase for toddlers and oldies to use, anything they do is adorable. You still have to live here without getting punched in the mouth.

Dear Big People,
It's summer. The time of year where I look 18 instead of 12, and you look wet instead of dry.

Dear Wrong Number Caller,
Ok, you convinced me, I am Allison Gomez. I was just clownin'.

Dear Redneck Asshole,
I'd knock every tooth out of your head if you weren't already gummin' it.

Dear Redneck Neighbor,
We are never "drinkin' fuckin' behrs."

Dear Killers (Starring Ashton Kutcher/Kathrine Hiegl),
You are the Mr. and Mrs. Smith of your time. Now people of this era can enjoy some gun-to-penis analogies! And the I-can't-believe-I-marrieds!

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Character,
I got tested two weeks prior to your phone call and my test results came back 100% un-pregnant, and 100% un-std. However, I decided not to interrupt as you mumbled that I should get tested for chlamydia. Why? Because..what a treat.

Dear Ex-Boyfriend Character,
"Thanks for nothing." (Seriously)

Dear Goth Looking Kid Nodding Off On L Train,
What the fuck does The Nightmare Before Christmas have to do with Heroin?

Dear Loud Ass WASP,
I am staring at you because you were talking to me. Oh you weren't talking to me? Oh you're all the way across the waiting area? Oh... THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING SO LOUD ABOUT KRISTIN CAVALLARI?

Dear Passenger In D13,
Don't you think if the pilot had control over the weather, he would also have control over the shitty in-flight movie? Yea, so stop complaining about the delay and watch Did You Hear About The Morgans?


chinspired said...

I delighted in this.

Clever and endearing as ever.

Enri Zoltz said...

Yay - my day is made. Thursday feels fresh as any Monday should. Thank you.

-G said...

I saw you in the movies today. Okay, I saw a thing for the you-know-what in a you-know-what today. First thought:

Rosa Fucking Salazar.

Second thought:

Who the fuck is Rosa Fucking Salazar?

Third thought:


Current thought: I wonder what you thought was going to happen to this place... also, you should know that I am not a you-know-what. Just a the-other-thing. Keep it up.

Jin said...

hahaha the boyfriend one but made me think from his perspective maybe it was more like:
Dear Girl I Dont Want to see anymore,
I am calling to suggest that you get tested for chlamydia and no i don't expect to be hearing from you anytime soon. kisses.