Wednesday, June 2, 2010

S O Cess


Dear Therapist,
These fun-lovin' twenty-somethings that surround me don't bother me one bit; So content with getting hammered and banging each other til the ice coffee squirts from their pierced noses.

Dear Therapist,
I guess I just feel excluded. You see, you aren't allowed to play unless you've received "bartender of the month" at least twice.

Dear Trust Fund Baby,
No, I am super jealous. I wish money had stripped me of all human qualities until I was nothing more than a paper doll consuming truck tacos. I wish I could grow up in your shoes so my life's story could be Hugh Grant's About A Boy.

Dear Ass,
I am aspiring to be an agile woman, not a bus-driving woman.

Dear Mailman,
If I were you I would continue to throw mail around the foyer. I would think that was fun, and I would have a blast defiling Valu-Paks. Yea, I would continue this behavior until I opened up a certain mailbox and A PYTHON JUMPED OUT TO WRAP ITS FANGS AROUND MY TRACHEA. I know you know where my Delia's catalog went.

Dear MTA Attendant,
You're too busy for my inquiry? Oh I completely understand, I would hurry home too if I had a Phoenix course starting soon.

Dear MTA Attendant,
Just clowin' go ahead and get dat education, gurl.

Dear Old School Williamsburg Residents,
It's so hard to tell who is in there 70's and who is in their 20's. So why are you so angry these hipsties moved in? Embrace this; Embrace this like the polyester pants suit embraces your saggy flesh.

Dear Former Roommate,
You are approximately: 55% Single White Female, 25% Hand That Rocks The Cradle, 20% "Puck"-Real World: San Francisco.

Dear Sloth Roommate,
My fault, I forgot we were still in Retarded Person College; That explains your irritability/dirty dish collection.

Dear Insane Roommate,
I don't blame you for being crazy. I blame Craigslist.org for attempting to reinstate the benefit of the doubt in people.

Dear Reader,
How many crazy roommates does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to screw it in, and one to listen to its demands.

Dear "I Smoke A Lot Because I'm, Like, European,"
The only thing more upsetting than a 26 year old that looks 40, is a 26 year old that looks 50. I mean don't get me wrong, girl, I love introducing you as "not my mom."

Dear Unemployed Roommate,
Let me get this straight... you only come out at night, you dress like a cartoon, but you don't fight crime?

Dear Disgusting Roommate,
I'm no expert on Latin culture, but I'm pretty sure "tacos in bed" is no Mexican custom.

Dear Promiscuous Roommate,
Whoooo's ready for another game oooof Musical Men!! Just you.

Dear Promiscuous Roommate,
The next dude is splitting the internet bill.

Dear Former Roommate,
New words I am in love with because of you! "Mellow," "European," "Sexbomb," "Homie," "Spliff," "Psychotic," "Restraining order."

Dear Roommate From Hell,
Why'd I stop introducing you to my guy friends? Well, I can most surely tell you that it isn't because you'd sleep with them immediately. But I can tell you that it is because you'd sleep with them almost immediately.

Dear New Tenants,
If these walls could be cutters..

Dear New Life/New Apartment,
Now my only concern is where to put my plants and not where to hide my food and checkbooks.

Dear Renter Victims,
Look on the bright side! Now we have an excuse to make some "...and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirts!

Dear Reader,
If you shared/share a living space with someone who is unstable, I don't feel your pain...it played saxophone in my face.

3 comments:

-G said...

I was room-mates with a drummer once. That happened for over a year. After that, I pretty much just rushed out to find the creepiest most anti-social person I knew to take his place.

Aaahh. The sweet sound of improvement.

Who?! Mike Truong!!!! said...

I had this one chick move into my house and not to my knowledge, apparently I was living with a secret agent. She had me sweep the parameter, the crawl space over her bedroom, check the roof for vantage points and re-wire the entire place just in case we were already bugged!! Needless to say, the bitch was gone in a month!! You definitely gotta love the Craigslist.org!!!

Cheers-Mike

Sargasm said...

This girl should be institutionalized.