Thursday, June 24, 2010

TRAINING FEELS



Dear Neighbor With Painted Toe Nails Dog,
You know what they say about owners and their dogs.. they say, "Manicure a Spaniel, you're not a wackjob."

Dear Gilt Groupe,
Sure, send me more emails than my own mother. I'm way more interested in deals on couture than the touching story of Meekah: the cat that raised an orphaned squirrell.

Dear Train,
Alt. song titles: "Sops of Screwpiter", "Plops of Poopiter", "Tops of Stupider." (You know how sometimes your idiocracy overpowers the validity of your point?)

Dear Douche Bag Movie Snob,
This: "WHHOAAA, AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A MOVIE BUFF?! GIRL YOU'RE A FRAUD!" Should never follow this: "Actually no, I haven't seen Mystic Pizza.

Dear Douche Bag Movie Snob,
Ah yes, but can your Criterion Collection fulfill your wildest sexual fantasies? No, I won't call you Lars von Trier, have fun with your tapes.

Dear Bluetooth,
How does it feel to be approaching beeper status on the joke spectrum?

Dear Rosa,
No more Chicken Nuggets or Google images until you get some fucking work done.

Dear Laziness,
I am so glad you stopped by. Don't worry you are not overstaying your welcome. I love being stressed over my lack of progress to the point of feeling like I have to piss out of my heart but mom won't pull over.

Dear Ex,
Dating you was like dating the kid that had all the cool toys, but no batteries for those toys. A Monster Truck is not "Monster" unless it's backed by a D-cell.

Dear Rehabilitated Street Walker,
A hooker never changes it's bruises.

Dear Lisa Frank,
Down side: Turns out cats aren't meant to be radio-active orange. Plus side: I'm more of a dog person.

Dear Guy,
You think I care about the pop-punk band you played lead guitar for in high school? Well, I do... And yes I would love to come over and listen to Hot Rod Circuit.

Dear Train,
After exstensive trial and error I still can't seem to listen like Spring, talk like June.

Dear Insecure Women,
It's best to be up front with men, that way they can finger you on the way to dropping you off for night classes.

Dear Indecisive Couple,
I hope you find the perfect seat in this restaurant, I really do.

Dear Checkout Mami,
I don't know what's more difficult, suppressing my jealousy of your gorgeous, eternally youthful face, or you punching in the code for my veggies with them long ass acrylics.

Dear Train,
Please understand this harassment comes from a place as cryptic and nonsensical as your band's "music".

Dear Train,
Tupac VS Biggie -of course, Eminem VS Moby -eh, but Train VS Jason Mraz? I mean sure, I would definitely kill myself.

Dear Train,
No, I cannot imagine "no pride, love, deep-fried chicken," or (unfortunately) my best friend always sticking up for me... even when he knows I am wrong.

Dear Lissie,
I enjoy your cover of "Pursuit of Happiness" but I thoroughly enjoy your uncovered gazongas in the video for "Pursuit of Happiness".

Dear LA,
I'm packing: 1. Sun block, 2. New wallet with special DUI club card compartment.

Dear Lebron,
For three days I thought your name was Lebanon. So look, you aren't so popular after all. And I'm not so smart after all.

Dear YMCA,
I have decided to cancel my membership. As long as teenage girls keep making mistakes, I will have loaded strollers to haul up crowded subway stairs.

3 comments:

-G said...

I thought I would not comment on this one--you know, to avoid the appearance of a "weird internet blog stalker"...

(At Party)

Friend1: Hey Rosa, do you still post on Sargasm?
RS: Eh.. no.. not really. The only person who seems to read it is this weird internet blog stalker..
Friend2: That's kinda redundant isn't it?
RS: Huh?
Friend2: "Internet blog."
RS: ...shut the fuck up. That's just what he said.
Friend1: Who said? The guy on your blog?
RS: Yeah. That guy.
Friend2: If he is a weird "internet blog" stalker, why the hell would you choose to say it the same way he does.
RS: This whole situation is fictional.
Friend1: whaaaa..
Friend2: (explodes)
Friend1: ...aaa? (explodes)

Anyways. Post again. Or something.

PS: That's not a threat.

Ashley Carey said...

I read it too.

- other weird Internet blog stalker

Mattie Wiseman said...

who doesn't read this? it's awesome.