Sunday, July 18, 2010

Bitter Fatter Wronger

Dear Facebook,
You know that game where you get a pad of paper and make a list of all the people you've slept with? Thanks for generating one online,very green of you.

Dear Jesse Eisenberg,
2008: The poor man's Michael Cera.
2010: Jesse Eisenberg.
Well done.

Dear Stevie Wonder,
Sure, you can say "this is mine you cant take it" but who's to say they don't tip toe?

Dear Taekwondo,
Maybe I only achieved white belt because Melissa Connors said I was so small I looked like carry-out. In summation, that's a dumb outfit.

Dear Melissa Connors,
Horse stance, your favorite position as a kid.
Latitudinal Horse Stance, your favorite position as a whore.

Dear Word,
No yous can express, I give you my you, you up!, yousmith, yous with friends, The L You.

Dear Lady Friends,
Taking a Plan B pill in anticipation of "uh-oh!" sex is like putting braces on baby teeth.
Remember: always after (unless you'd like to know what baby teeth are all about).

Dear Bacne,
I'll be bacne (like Arnold, ha) ...but seriously I've tried foaming cleansers, dermabrasion...

Dear Fat Person,
When you say: "this weather is perfect!"
I: grab a sweater.

Dear Notorious B.I.G,
Up until now I had no idea you were making a profound statement. I thought "Mo' Problems" was the sequel to "Mo' Money" and I'm disappointed.

Dear Netflix,
I love the movie Searching For a Movie on Netflix but can only seem to find it If I smoke weed before I sign in.

Dear Netflix,
...and of course after I reset my password, because you know I forgot my secret question's answer.

Dear Reader,
How much weed could a Kid Cudi smoke if a Kid Cudi could smoke weed? For answer, refer to album entitled Man on The Moon: The End of Day.

Dear Latina Girls,
So, what would you like to be when you grow out?

Dear Brooklyn,
I can go out of town and rest assured my dog will be able to feed on roaches, silverfish, weave and chicken bones. Brooklyn: a real Horn & Horn for dogs!

Dear Rosa,
Why don't you spend more time writing and less time customizing your Xbox avatar.

Dear Rosa,
You took your Xbox apart, this does not mean you can tell people you're a mechanic.

Dear Birth Control,
Because of you not only do I know which day of the week it happens to be, I also know that whatever day it is, it won't be ruined.

Dear 25,
I hope you can handle as many snacks as 24 because I have no intention of limiting my intake, or South Beach-ing, or Atkins-ing, or bulimia-ing.

Dear M&M On The Floor,
The saddest part, is that I fell asleep while debating to pick you up. The greatest part, is that now I am well rested and can fully appreciate you. The weird part, is that I haven't left this room for 9 days... oh well! MELTS IN YOUR MOUTH!

Dear Guyz,
I used to be white guy territory but thanks to a rich Peruvian influence on my physique, I'm moving into black guy territory faster than you can say "neck tattoo wit his name!"


Enri Zoltz said...

God I love this blog.

Jin said...

I the end of sixth sense just now.