Sunday, September 12, 2010

POUND



Dear Macrobiotic Diet,
I hear you can bore Cancer to death.

Dear 2-Week Sex Spell,
After this I am less Tigress, and more lolcat. I can wear Fwuit of da Woom?

Dear Daddy,
Thanks to genetics, I'll always be your little girl.

Twitter,
I haven't tweeted in a while due to the fear of being rejected, potentially losing followers, and possibly get hurt. #twitterroyale

Twitter,
See, nobody likes my last tweet (nobody likes Fascism).

Dear Haters,
"No air", "Crawl", "I can transform ya" #actualchrisbrownsongsinspiredbyactualchrisbrownlifestories

Dear Dreary-Ass Weather,
The only reason you're here, is to remind me of what a pussy I am for not holding out on getting an a.c unit. Especially since I got one so very late in the game, now with every gust of wind I hear "264.18 bones on electriiiiic".

Dear Jonathan Schwartz,
You are the "American..............

Dear Taco Bell,
What the fuck is with your fluxuating bread situation. I got news for you, it ain't the bread, it's the Grade F meat. The only time I ever get as hungry as I get political is when I smoke weed, and sit in a car at Taco Bell. While stoned in this Parking Lot, I pass the time creating DJ names for myself such as "DJ Parking Lot Politician", "DJ Prinicipal Taco Bellding" , "DJ 7 Player Burrito" (no homo).

Dear John Mayer,
My body is actually a winter wonderland. #memberwhenjohnmayerwasgettingalotofattention?

Dear TMI Victim,
Veronica Mars is to me, what Madonna is to a gay, what Stephen Hawking is to a nerd, what Dolly Parton is to my Dad. #hotblondidols

Dear Ex Boyfriends That I've Taken Clothes From,
You know I only did it for the deal.

Dear Reader,
Whenever I refer to "hand-me-downs" I am referring to clothes procured from past lovers -not my older brother -that is fucking gross.

Dear Cab Driver,
I'm pretty sure it isn't "bright eyed girl" okay?

Dear Reader,
When I was 9 years old I lost a bet to my brother about a certain song lyric and am too embarrassed to tell it to you in the right context.

Dear Reader,
You know how like, you about to take your dog out, and you can't leave the house because the way your jacket is scrunching up in the front makes it look like vagina? Me too!!!!

(See "Dear Jonathan Schwartz")
....Songbook.

3 comments:

Jin said...

hahahah brill.

-G said...

I could have just read the first pun about cancer and been content, but no, there was more.

chinspired said...

Funny as always. Somehow didn't see this one when it came out. Should probably pay better attention.