Monday, October 11, 2010

Wrench Vogue

Dear The Wire,
Of all the shows on television you were the scariest, and yet, the most true to life.

Dear IHOP[E],
As in: "I hope the shade of lipstick on my coffee mug is a shade I won't mind wearing", "I hope I can decipher what my waitress is saying this time", "I hope I get out of here alive", "I hope they accept both of my coupons so I won't have to pay in two bills."

Dear IHOP[E],
If you're worried about the acronym, the "E" could stand for "Et cetera" as in: International House Of Pancakes Etc... yes it does it makes sense.

Dear Tap Dancers,
You must be so angry at how easy it is to fake-tap dance.

Dear Identity Thief,
I snort when I laugh when I fart, I date down, my mother is balding, I hold my pee for dangerously long periods of time, I wipe from back to front, entering sweepstakes is my current day job, I have upper lip hair, I never learned "loop, swoop, and pull", I suffer from crippling night terrors... I'd think twice.

Dear Girl On Train,
Either you don't know that your foundation is way too dark for your complexion, or you're racist.

Dear Reader,
Rose Byrne is a lesson that teaches us that when we raise the cheekbones on the face, we lower the bar on acting.

Dear Improv Nerd,
You realize, you talking about a scene is like hearing a fat person talk about a meal.

Dear Reader,
Valley of the Dolls (alone) is a movie.
Valley of the Dolls (with a gay man) is a musical with commenTerry.

Dear Childhood Bully,
Stop stealing people's shit and focus on your studies or you'll grow up to be a blogger.

Dear Younger Bully Rosa,
Ever eaten lunch (PB&J) in the break room (bedroom) alone (alone)? Well, that's your future if you don't wise up and play nice. And stop giving mom such a hard time- baldness is hereditary, and it is unfortunate.

Dear Ricky Martin,
You say Menudo and I say Manado. Let's call the whole thing off!

Dear Birth Control,
Thank you, I am having a good breasts day. Consequently, so is my boyfriend.

Dear Reader,
No, I don't have a boyfriend. Boyfriends are for girls who have no self-esteem, or ambition, or eczema...

Dear The Social Network,
Congratulations, I will now stop referring to you as "facebook movie".

Dear Andrew Garfiled,
I'll Never Let your "Wuardo" Go... if you know what I'm implying.

Dear Andrew Garfield,
That was gross. I'm ashamed, I apologize. Let me buy you a drink.

Dear All Who Wish To Go As Blackface For Halloween,
Of course it is easy not to get offended when you aren't black, but even easier not to get offended when you have a sense of humor.


chinspired said...

Funny stuff from a funny lady.

gore said...

you suck

Anonymous said...

Girl, you're definitely too smart for your own good! No, this isn't your mom. Yes, I do think you're hot, incidentally-but my real point is: post some more! This shit is PRICELESS!