Monday, March 7, 2011

California L'œuf



Dear All,
The truth of California is hiding under Jason Mraz's fedora.

Dear 1st Stick Shift Ever,
Yeah, I feel so much more bad-ass now- $850/replacement clutch kind of bad-ass.

Dear Strange Sex Subjects,
I am always weary when you have pets.

Dear Acutane,
I will sell that cone baby. If you think I don't have interested buyers, then you don't know about Craigslist.

Dear LA,
I would take back those hours I've wasted trapped on the freeway, even if they came back as hours spent talking to Kirk Douglas.

Dear TV,
More shows on the subject of Hoarding, please. Here are a few ideas I'm pitching, if I may:
"Towel Hoarders: Too clean"
"Sunglasses Hoarders: Blinded"
"Kid Hoarders: Damn, we got way too many kids"
"Hungry Hungry Hoarders: Too hungry to hoard"
"Ikea Hoarders: This shit is mad cheap, son!"

Dear Mom,
No more "enter-to-wins." Your repeated failure is causing us to doubt your ability to provide, subsequently tearing this family apart.

Dear LA and NY,
Car flirting is harder and more skill-based than train flirting. Try the whole "just happened to be spacing out on a hottie" in a car... you will crash and die, and so will they.... so will they.

Dear Sucky Life,
Sorry, no suicide this week, I have two heavily anticipated Netflix coming in the mail.

Dear Sucky Life,
If you put cookies in the freezer, they make a nice frozen treat. It's cool cause... they're normally room temperature, but it's fun to eat them cold you know?

Dear Vegas,
I have no desire to go to Vegas.

Dear Rihanna,
Stop yelling at me.

Dear Rihanna,
It's Rihanna.

Dear Reader,
Time for my annual drive across the country, or as I like to call it "Cinnabon Tour."

Dear Jesus,
First to be apologized to after incarceration AND first to be thanked after an Oscar win. You wear so many hats!

Dear God,
Two-parter:
1. Would I have to commit a crime to find you?
2. If so, how heinous a crime?

Dear Natalie Portman,
You were really great in Black Swan. Your portrayal of a woman giving an Oscar-worthy performance was riveting.

Dear Boyfriend,
When we moved in together I thought we'd have sex day-in and day-out. It feels more like day-out and day-in, and that's just not what I signed up for.

Dear Friend,
I need to throw something away, I looked under the sink but I didn't find a trash can. You keep your trash can out, next to the fridge? The trash can in my house is under the sink, in front of the wine.

Dear Condoms,
Eh.

6 comments:

ineptidude said...

Made my day, thank you very much!

Sargasm said...

Hey, thanks so much.

G said...

I hope for your sake that one of those DVDs isn't Sucker Punch. All of the sudden, you start to wonder if you have any extension cords handy that will reach the bathtub.

vioman said...

Your blog is amazing, you seem to be a rare and amazing person.
I really whant to know what is the song on the video "Intro to the Girls of MBNY"?

Paige said...

god you're hilarious.

Mattie Wiseman said...

i keep checking for a new one - when's ur next one coming?