Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Womynced Words

Dear Reader,
If you want to know what it feels like to try and save a dying plant, buy a Malm from Ikea.

Dear Fruit Flies,
So you just disappear, huh?

Dear Neighbor,
You may know about the fights we have, but we know about the breaks you take during sex.

Dear Female Gender,
Stop re-introducing yourself to the world, it's un-womanly to be so brash. And comb your goddamn hair.

To The Person Who Takes Pictures Of Food,
You think a Sudanese child is thinking "damn, I can't wait til I have a plate of food so I can take a picture of it."

To The Person Who Takes Pictures Of Food,
More interesting would be a photo of the end result, no?

To The Person Who Takes Pictures Of Food,
Perhaps you suffer from anorexia? Perhaps the picture taking is a ruse that buys you some time before that disgusting act called "eating."

Dear Tow Truck Guy,
A quadriplegic dwarf walks with his head higher than yours.

Dear Doctor Redundant,
"Don't smoke cigarettes, drink plenty of water, wear SPF 50 or higher, never use hands when giving a blow job, exercise." blah blah blah

Dear Barista,
Your title is not annoying, your bandanna is not annoying, your milk heart is not annoying.

Dear Aggressive Egg Donation Facility,
I'm no chicken in a cage, unable to turn around or open my wings to their true span potential. I'm just a girl with some healthy follicles trying to buy a car.

Dear Mom,
From whale watching to that horrible lesbian neighbor that keeps calling the cops on your dogs -Oh, the places we'll go in this conversation!

Dear Mom,
But seriously, that woman's marriage is a total sham.

Dear Landlord,
I apologize for being late on the rent. You see, I've been high on toxic paint fumes ever since I moved in, did I mention I'm a lemur secretariat?

Dear Body,
I suppose eighth grade is as good a time as any to cease expansion.

Dear Former Generation,
Men would turn into women and women would turn into cartoons.

Dear Latinas Everywhere,
You are not the red lipstick you wear.

Dear Dad,
This isn't another one of my lies, or another one of my tricks... You really are '#1 Dad.'

Dear Grandma,
Thank you for sending me a check of twenty five dollars every Christmas for as long as I can remember. The money is nowhere near as important as the consistency.

Dear Grandma,
That $25 is worth $500,000 in adorable (and Vietnamese đồng).

Dear Yelpers,
With the advent of sites like Yelp, I no longer want to hear anyone's opinion on anything. I'm opinioned -out. But, while we're on the subject (trust me I NEVER do this) -I had the WORST service EVER the other day. Look, all I know is that my english muffin took FOR-EVER to come out! I mean I understand that it's BRUNCH, and I UNDERSTAND that it's busy, but it takes like 2 seconds to toast a muffin. I will not be going back unless this place DRASTICALLY improves their SERVICE. Oh AND the PARKING. UGH.

Dear Bookstore Flirt,
I'm not buying this book to impress you. I am buying this book to read it, then to prop up one side of my dining room table.

Dear Moms,
Sneak peek at my parenting book 'What To Expect When Your Expectations Are Dashed'
Chapter 1: How to glorify having two bedrooms!
Chapter 2: How to ensure your child is the last kid standing at YMCA's aftercare program!

To The Grown Men Fighting At The Dog Park,
If what they say is true -that dogs are like their owners- then those doggies most definitely beat their doggie wives.

Dear Women Everywhere,
The Women's Rights Movement -the "movement" now refers to historical women rolling over in their graves every time you utter the word "adorbs."

To The Person Who Says 'Nuff Said!',
At least you're finished.

Dear Elton John,
I guess when you have platinum health insurance, doctors have names such as "Sugar Bear." Further proof that the upper echelon is a fantastical place.


Enri Zoltz said...

I have yet to hear "adorbs" in conversation. I am so thankful. I'll just ask for more SARGASM now and then leave you alone for, like, 4 months while you stew up some fiesta text. I may still bother you once or twice on Twitter. I know it doesn't amount to any kind of motivation for you, but I just like to nag. Alright then, nuff said!

kushibo said...

I have to take pictures of my gf's food. If I don't, then she starts thinking I don't appreciate the effort she put into making it.

Love all your pithy and eclectic observations.

Juice said...

I just came here to say...... you are the cutest thing on television. Have a nice day :)

NYCST said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nia Cumberbatch said...

One, this space is absurdly hilarious. Two, you are fantastic on Parenthood, gonna geek out a bit here and just say that when you said "No." to Erika Christensen's character asking for your character's baby I wept "I've-witnessed-good-acting" tears of appreciation (all internal and brief.) Lastly, more geeking out, I'm writing a part "for you" in a script I'm working on at the moment and if you're not the actor that plays it, I hope to hell it's someone as good as you.
That was long.
That is all.
Live long and prosper &etc.

G said...

Rosa Salazar is blowin' up. Nuff'said.

Connie said...

Hahah this is funny! But instead of something I would read in the bathtub it's more something I'd read on the toilet (not a hit at all on the content)

Jennifer Lien said...

Ha, ha, haaaaaa! You are hilarious.

Felix said...

Rosa Salazar!!! I've been watching Stoner Countdown for a long while now! You are one of the most adorable women I've ever seen! Just.... incredibly cute!

kushibo said...

Felix, you mean this, right?

That was great! Thanks for sharing that. Rosa, please don't be shy about self-promotion, you've got talent and you should let the whole world know.