Tuesday, August 14, 2012
INSTA' NT CHARMA
You and I like a different type of man.
"Ba-boom, ba-boom, ba-boom" not "AHHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHHH, AHHHHHHHHHH"
Dear Instagram Couple,
through your photographs
we witness the start/end of
I fucking love you
Also known as brunch recorder.
Here, this is your Instagram. Document your life visually. That way in the future when you try to forget about 'ol "what's his name" you won't be able to. He'll live right here in your account, wearing that sweater you bought him, holding that Starbucks cup, filling up at the gas station for all of eternity. Nowhere to hide Rosa, nowhere to hide.
Come over one more time and ask me how everything is going, my story isn't the same without you.
Dear Parking Security,
You weren't able to answer my question the first time, you couldn't decipher the map in my hands, you are barely alive. And yet turned on by your zest to be help, I stand here in thousand degree weather, marveling at your inability to answer the question "where are we right now?"
The message is sound. It is the sound of the message -hollered through Faygo rot- that only seems to say "you are not fucking safe here." Alas, whoop whoop.
Thank you for being the medium through which dreams may simultaneously begin and die.
Dear Citizen Cope,
Please open your mouth a little bit more.
Oh no way! You're daughter is multifaceted AND undiscovered? I'm gonna stop you right there while I make a phone call to Hollywood because I have the power to launch her career and it totally works this way!
OK good, because my next question was: "Is her name Cassidy?"
Yours is the most licked pussy in our bed.
Because I refer to my bed as 'our bed.'
Ooooh you make me sooo wet [under my breasts, above my lip, around my knees, on my ears?]
Dear Jesse Plemons,
You can Friday night my lights anytime. Just move my clean landry off the bed and we'll touch down. Nah mean?
Dear Older Men,
Young women leave you because you are unnecessarily upset at their unfamiliarity with Public Enemy.
Dear Older Men,
Saying "before your time" is the quickest way for us to run out of time.
Dear Gilt Groupe,
Keep those emails coming! I'm going for a complete set.
"Create a job!" is the new "Get a job!"
Dear Reunitors - Class of 2003,
I have so many questions for you! For starters: HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?
Dear Flo The Progressive Lady,
You are now the bouffont of tragedy and corruption.
What's the difference between a musician and a comedian? Find out every Tuesday night 9pm @ Room Room!
I have a painful secret, will you let everyone know for me?
Yes my father passed…the bar exam, haha! No really, he's dead.
The entry above should explain all you need to know about me.
Daaad! Go away!! You don't have to watch down over me all the time! UGH! SO EMBARRASSING!