Dear Aaliyah (ft. Timbaland),
I wish you hadn'ta left us, left us, without a dope beat to step to, step to, step to, step to.
I don't do "chores" I'm on fucking TV.
Dear Aspiring Actors Moving To LA,
Honestly your biggest fear should be moving into a haunted apartment. Old Hollywood, whattup!
The Greeks have opa! The Latins have ¡olé! The Juggalos have whoop whoop!
Don't you observe holiday hours? Fuck, just let my dad walk up the stairs!
I didn't come here to see the dachshunds. I came here to eat chips and argue, and I'm all outa chips...and arguments...alright give me your shitty little dogs.
Dear Rick Moranis,
You're like the dad I never had to blow me up into bigger. Meaning, inspiration.
Dear Guy At Amoeba,
You lost me at "live."
Dear Guy At Amoeba,
You lost me at "Earth" "Wind" and "Fire." You lost me at all of those.
Dear Debbie: Macy's Cashier,
I know I swiped my iPhone and not my debit card, I know I did that.
I see the "_____ days without an accident" board is no longer incentive.
Of House Salazar
Dear Rap Career,
If silence is golden, you're as poor as I'd be if I had a nickel for every time I heard silence around you.
You're gonna like high-waisted things now.
A lady on the street and an Area 51 mutant in the bed.
Dear Solar Power,
Move over for my new energy source: The Universe. No need to bolt panels onto your roof to harness energy- just fuckin' ask.
Dear Maroon 5,
Mick Jagger is rolling over in his grave.
Dear Flirty Bartender,
I draw the line at certified bartender.
Ha, yea, maybe it is funny that I subscribe to the New Yorker. But you know what isn't funny? The climate crisis that is having a disastrous effect on corn crops. But you probably read all about that because you can [probably] read!
Please handle my clothes while they are still wet, I love that.
Dear Warwick Davis,
In short, I love you.
You can use this lyric:
I got the game in a headlock, wrapped up like a dread lock.
You can keep your career. Up to you.
Dear My Sister's Boyfriend,
That's it! You have convinced me to watch every single Final Destination movie based on your theory that all 5 films ''tie together in a awesome way.''
You are what you beat.
Dear Music Snob,
Konono No., of course you aren't a-Noi-ing.
This is what David Bowie was taking about in "Changes" and also (weirdly enough) "Ashes to Ashes."
Restaurant + you = Shoes + feet.
Dear Shitty Friend,
Don't you worry, I'm only gaining success in order for you resent me. So see, it's still all about you!
Dear David Bowie,
You should win an academy award for your work as Michael Fassbender.
Dear Women's Gymnastics,
Are you men's gymnastics?
Getye self another song.
It's been a long time...